The Oscars

The highlight of last nights Oscar ceremony was the surprise award for the best acceptance speech ever.

The award went to the now famous French mute ‘Jean Dujardin’ who picked up the award with his canine co-star Uggie, and although no one could decipher Durjardin’s gestations the dog said he was really happy.

Meanwhile the director of ‘The Artist’, Michel Hazanavicius, has been recruited by the Republican party to run its anti-Obama media campaign. When asked about his new role Michel confessed that as the Republicans had nothing to say in the upcoming election he was the natural choice.

Scientists – Yes we sometimes make it up!

Scientists have been forced to admit that they’ve been making stuff up in a bid to ensure people don’t lose faith.

Earlier this week researchers at the CERN facility in Europe were forced to admit that their ground breaking experiment OPERA hadn’t in fact proved that neutrinos travel faster than light.

Initially suspicions focussed around problems with their stop-watches but after a thorough re-run of the experiment it was discovered that the Large Hadron Collider had in fact been unplugged by a cleaner a few months previously.

No Officials were available for comment but the cleaner involved in the incident said:-

“What people don’t realise is that there is an awful lot of money riding on us pushing back the boundaries of physics. If we’re not delivering the big headline grabbing discoveries then people will lose faith in science.  

You have to keep people believing if you want their money to keep flowing, just look what happened to Christianity- we’re not going to make the same mistake.”

With vast sums of money being diverted into research from cash strapped economies some people have questioned the validity of scientific endeavour. A local con artist expressed his admiration for the work at CERN

“You have to admire these guys walking off with billions of dollars to fire invisible rays through 732km of rock between two countries to prove that they arrive 0.00000006 seconds quicker than a beam of light.
It’s a great con!
The only thing it lacks is a guy in a wheelchair to pull in the sympathy vote.”

Faster-than-light neutrinos could be down to bad wiring

Dolphin’s have rights too

Scientists meeting in Canada have called for Dolphins to be given human rights

Experts in philosophy, conservation and animal behaviour argue that many sea based mammals deserve life liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Russian Prime Minister Valdimir Putin has seized on this scientific breakthrough and is fast tracking a Cetaceans Bill of Rights through the Russian parliament.

A spokesman for Mr Putin said:-

“What is important is affording these creatures the rights they deserve…
…obviously with rights comes the power to vote and we’re certain they will want to thank Prime Minister Putin in his upcoming Presidential election”

BBC – Dolphins deserve same rights as humans

Iran – make musical theatre not nuclear bombs!

Iran today announced unilateral sanctions against Europe, putting in place embargoes against Britain and France with more actioned threatened.

Speaking at the weekly Tehran Karaoke President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said:-

It is deplorable what the old imperialist powers are doing to Greece, quashing the true voice of the people and imposing their own puppet regime.

We call on pro-democracy fighters across Europe to follow the lead of the glorious Iranian revolution. Follow your brothers in Egypt and Libya, rise up and stop the old imperial powers dictating how you should run your country.

No more will Iranian oil be used to power the 4th Reich no matter how many nuclear scientists they offer us.

When asked about Iran’s nuclear ambitions Mr Ahmadinejad played down recent developments

Look for us global warming is a big worry so we need to develop low carbon energy alternatives. But in honestly there are more pressing matters effecting the lives of the Iranian people.

As you know there are no homosexuals in Iran and this is severely hampering our musical theatre, we need to urgently develop this key part of our cultural infrastructure.

Iran stops oil to the UK and France
The Erosion of Greek Democracy
No homosexuals in Iran

Dolly Parton arrested

In shocking fake celebrity news Dolly Parton has been arrested over the death of Whitney Houston.

Attention turned to the pint sized Barbie wanna-be once police realised that the death of Whitney would likely net Ms Parton millions of dollars in royalty checks.

Dolly penned ‘I Will Always Love You’ back in 1973, before it was covered by Houston two decades later for The Bodyguard.

As Dolly, 66, owns the song, she stands to earn a significant amount of money as the No.1 hit is expected to top the download charts.

Police sources were quoted as saying

“It’s all about the money, money money… once you find who has most to gain you normally have your culprit”

It is thought that Ms Parton needs the money to fund research into human cloning and brain transplantation after her efforts to halt the ageing process have reached the limits of plastic surgery and decency.

It’s all over now Baby Blue.

Beyonce and Jay-Z released pictures of their new daughter this week.

Celebrity babies come round so rarely that the birth of Blue Ivy Carter has been seen as the dawning of a new age.

Already she has become the youngest person to release a chart topping song and high profile rehab clinics have been booked for her 12th 13th 14th 15th & 16th Birthdays.

A BIC cult has already sprung up heralding her arrival as a divine act

Although the $1.3 million floor of New York’s Lenox Hill hospital is far away from a stable and over zealous Security Teams far removed from visiting Shepherds the little tike is being showers with gifts. Instead of gold, frankincense and myrrh the modern messiah has already been given $1.5 million of nursery furniture including a $20,000 solid gold rocking horse.

Blue is already Earth’s “smallest diva” and fans are expectantly waiting for her first miracle.